Ask Scott: Adult Decisions
Dear Scott,
I’m having a rough time. I decided to have an abortion because I’m too young and it’s not the right time. I’m a college student, and the would-be father (or sperm donor??) was a one night stand.
Basically, I’m not questioning the decision. It sucks, but I feel like it’s the right thing for me right now. But should I tell my mom?
She and I are close, but I REALLY don’t want to hurt her. I know it would make her very upset. I have the help of my closest girlfriends, so I know I could get through the emotional part with their help.
Should I be honest and break my mom’s heart, or should I “adult” and protect her feelings? I really don’t know!
Yours truly,
Adulting Sucks
Dear Adulting,
The decision to have an abortion is wrought with fear, guilt, pain and misinformation. For any young person grappling with this situation, we often find ourselves wanting the support (whether emotional or otherwise) of those we look up to in our lives. Oftentimes this is our parents. The decision to abort is entirely yours to make, as is the decision to tell your mother.
How sure are you that your decision will hurt her? If she has provided an environment where certain choices you make are not accepted and met with resistance, then perhaps withholding the information is within your best interest. If she has fostered an environment where you feel you can be open about these very personal and sensitive topics, then confiding in your mother might be a wise choice.
You say that being honest would break your mother’s heart, so it seems that you already have a general idea of what the outcome would look like if you told her. In general, the period immediately following an abortion is fraught with all kinds of stressors — both internal and external; perhaps avoiding adding any additional stress (i.e. your mother’s reaction) would be the healthiest choice for you. You can always tell her later when you feel you both are able to respond appropriately.
Scott Bright, Advice Columnist
Scott Bright is a second-year ACC student, a Psychology major (with an emphasis on Human Sexuality), as well as the former Editor-in-Chief for The Arapahoe Pinnacle. Still contributing as the Pinnacle's advice columnist, he lives,...
Lisa • Sep 24, 2017 at 6:09 pm
Dear Adulting Sucks,
This is such a hard decision you have to make and one I found myself in many years ago. I don’t know if you have gone through with the abortion yet or not, but I wish I had known how it would affect my life even these many years later.
If you have gone through with it, and you trust your Mom enough to tell her, even though she may be really upset, it can be better to let her know so you won’t have to keep that secret anymore. It can be a really painful secret to keep from your loved ones.
Your girlfriends may be able to help temporarily, but they don’t have the perspective of someone older and abortion is often a decision made out of fear and misinformation as Scott says.
I was so embarrassed that I was in that situation and even though my parents probably knew I was having sex, the thought of having a baby was so scary to me at 20.
I remember going to the clinic and other girls were crying after going through their abortions. It was pretty heartbreaking but I still thought I was doing the right thing, but over time, I had a lot of guilt and felt really bad about it.
I still think of what that child would be like as it would have been born at this time of year 37 years ago.
If you had the abortion already, you may go through periods of depression and guilt and may need help by talking to someone about what you are feeling.
If you have not had the abortion, please know there are people out there who want to help you at this point too.
There is an organization that can help you whether or not you have had the abortion. It is youhavealternatives dot org and they will not judge you but are truly there to help.
I pray you get the help you need at this difficult time.
Lisa