Dear Scott,

I don’t know what to do.  I’ve been dating my girlfriend for a little while now, but I completely messed up.  The other day was my birthday.  Long story short, I ended up cheating on her.  What do you recommend I do?  From Feeling Broken in Boulder

Dear Broken,

Oh boy.

From one person who’s personally been in this exact situation, to another, I’ll tell you what a good friend at the time told me: tell them.  

The fact is that you’ve already broken a trust that is assumed in almost every relationship, so you might as well own up to it.  Accept the fallout of your choice.  After all, it was your choice.  I can tell you from personal experience that it will sting and it will hurt, but that would not feel nearly as awful as the guilt that might follow you in every interaction with her should you keep this a secret.  It won’t stop the pain or distrust that comes with cheating, but owning up to it is a responsible and mature thing to do that could possibly lay out some form of framework that would allow you two to potentially continue the relationship in a healthy way.

You aren’t alone, Broken.  I personally have been through the same thing.  I can tell you that I still miss her.  I can tell you that it still stings knowing I shattered every bit of trust she had in me, but I would rather have that sting than still be with her today with the specter of my infidelity following me around.  But I have changed, and am no longer the person I was when I dated her, and neither should you be.

And again, personally, I can tell you this: the best-known apology is changed behavior.  I don’t know if you’re feeling apologetic towards her, but there’s a good chance you are.  Don’t do this again.  Don’t cheat on your next partner.  Respect them.  Talk to them.  If you’re getting feelings for another person or you feel that the relationship is going into a slump and you feel yourself wandering, tell them.  Communicate to them what you are feeling and that you do not wish to go through another cheating experience.  Healthy relationships are based on healthy communication.  

You’ll be okay.  Just make sure she is, too.

Dear Scott,

This month (around Sept. 20th) is the 12-year anniversary of my mother’s suicide.  I was only a preteen when this happened and didn’t know how to process her death at the time.  Now I’m here, a dozen years later, and I don’t feel much towards her death.  Well, actually I do.  I feel lost, but not about her death.  I’m lost in that I don’t know how I should feel about her or her choice.  Help me?  From Lost-but-not-found

Dear Lost,

First, let me say that it is okay to not feel very much about something after 12 years have passed.

You are absolutely okay in feeling lost about the permanent choice your parent made.  That’s the most unfortunate thing about suicide: it’s the only personal choice in the world that’s permanent.  

Losing a parent, especially to suicide, is like being stabbed in the stomach while simultaneously being dropped in the middle of a South American jungle with no map, no food, and you’ve got about 20 minutes until the sun sets and darkness envelops everything you see in front of you.  You’re bleeding, in pain, stumbling around in the feral darkness, and hoping something or someone will come along and either help you or end your misery right then.

Or it’s like being plunged into Arctic waters, head-first.  There’s the initial shock as your body is seized by coldness.  Then you start to grow numb.  Suddenly you’re pulled up out of the water and now you’re shivering yet still numb, and you can’t shake either feeling.  

In other words, the feelings that come with losing a parent to suicide can vary in both impact and intensity.  You are okay to feel how you do.

If you’re not still mourning her, it could be that you’re essentially getting over her death.

It could be sort of like a scab: you pick at it and pick at it, and it hurts, but even if you peel away the scab and leave the raw, sensitive flesh exposed underneath, it doesn’t hurt nearly as bad as what caused the scab in the first place.  And this too heals.  Even if you keep picking at the scab, examining it, wondering why it happened, it heals.

You may not be feeling, but perhaps you are healing.

If you, or someone you know, is struggling with feelings or thoughts of suicide, please contact Colorado Crisis Services by either calling 1-844-493-TALK(8255) or text TALK to 38255 to speak with a trained professional.