We’re All On A Giant Steaming Pile of Shit and Big Bird Tried To Stab Me-#COVIDDiariesOfACC

We%27re+All+On+A+Giant+Steaming+Pile+of+Shit+and+Big+Bird+Tried+To+Stab+Me-%23COVIDDiariesOfACC

Image via martinnlp90 @pixabay

Cole Bloom, Contributing Writer

How have students at Arapahoe Community College felt since the strong changes brought on by COVID-19? #COVIDDiariesOfACC is a mini-series composed of non-fiction diary entries from students at ACC. Thank you to the student contributing writers for these pieces to publish on the Arapahoe Pinnacle.

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We’re All on a Giant Steaming Pile of Shit and Big Bird Tried to Stab Me

By Cole Bloom

We’re all on a giant steaming pile of shit hurtling through space. That’s what this is, it’s a galactic sized shit on all of our lives, and there isn’t enough toilet paper to clean it up. The world is in pandemonium. The economy has been razed and toilet paper is the new currency. Two-ply reigns supreme, but one ply will suffice. In this hellscape of dirty assholes, we bow to Charmin our new corporate overlord—at least until the old ones are bailed out.

It seems everyone is having additional shit thrown in their faces amidst all of this, it seems as if everyone is either moving, expecting a baby, laid off, dealing with sick/dying family members, or some combination of all of the above. And just COVID alone is enough to pucker up at; humans weren’t meant to be so isolated from each other.

Before the virus really picked up in the states and everyone was exhibiting a wonderful case of cognitive dissonance, my friends and I where all a little sick, however, at the time we didn’t think much of it. One night we got together and smoked, then afterward, we were all sick (I think it was from one of my friends who rides the light rail every day, he was probably licking the handles or some shit). A handful of days later we were all almost over it, but we got together and smoked again, and we got sick again. That happened one more time before we all became collective hermits.

Just before everything shut down, we had a little impromptu soiree. There I got to meet my friend’s new girlfriend she was smart (pro), pretty (pro), brought alcohol with (pro), and was somehow worse than me and all my friends at making drinks (…pro). She’s also fluent in both French and Russian and just got back from an internship in Russia—I wasn’t jealous. We also talked philosophy when everyone got high. Specifically, we talked Nietzsche as well as the differences between nihilism, existentialism, and absurdism—okay, I may have been slightly jealous. But I’m definitely not still jealous. Nope. Not lonely at all nowadays. Not one bit.

The next day I got the news that my great-aunt had a stroke at her birthday party. In the middle of the restaurant, she was slumped forward unresponsive for over ten-minutes and my parents had to call an ambulance. There is no good place to get this news. But let me tell you, some places and situations are worse. Being high as balls in Boulder is one of those situations, but it could have been worse, I was at fat shack which might be the greatest comfort food ever created. The day after that my parents left for out of state—because why not take my ill stepdad on a plane during the beginnings of a pandemic (when I mentioned this I got bitched at). So, I ended up taking care of my great aunt and her cat for the next week.

Over the past couple of weeks, since the quarantine kicked in, it has been kind of hard. I’ve spent a lot of time taking my aunt to the doctors, as well my stepdad who’s been having health complications not related to coronavirus. He has to go to the hospital for a couple of hours every weekday. I also quit my job and started looking for a new one a little before everything shut down. Which was some great timing, couldn’t have done it much better than that. I also have to be careful about what I consume online, I have to keep myself from constantly looking at the numbers of infected and dead exponentially rise, as well as how the US is doing a shit job handling the situation. If I do look at these things, I’ll fixate on them, and won’t think of much else, which can really ruin my day. I’m already kind of a neurotic person, and it is easy for me to become depressed and anxious and being cooped up in my home adds to that.

But I’ve also been trying to make the best of it. At least once every couple of days, my friends and I will try and get together online to play video games. I’ve probably played more Minecraft than I care to admit. I’ve been reading and writing. I also am starting to try and learn the piano and German. Keyword trying. Plus, there have been some funny and absurd things to come out of it all as well. So, not everything has been shitty, I’ve been trying to make the best of it.

Last night my sister was bored, so, she decided to bleach her hair—terrible choice. She now looks like big bird and was not pleased at all when I told her so. But she deserved it, she got bleach on my toothbrush and didn’t tell me. I learned this when my mouth started burning while brushing my teeth. Today, big bird threatened to stab me for eating all of the thin mints.