The Onion Begins Posting Real News

Satirical News Site Resorts to Posting Real News

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In an unexpected turn of events, famed fake news company The Onion has declared that it will begin exclusively posting real news on its website.

The Onion has long been known for its satirical articles based on real and fictional events. Although its articles have been mistakenly taken seriously in the past, this move towards only posting real news on its website has been directly influenced by the recent prominence of “fake news”, in which President Donald Trump has on numerous occasions declared that legitimate news organizations were not providing factual material in their print and online publications.

“If real news is going to be labeled as fake news, then we might as well post only real news since everyone expects us to post fake news anyway,” said CEO and President of Onion, Inc. Mike McAvoy, “It’s the best of both worlds: we can act like a legitimate news organization, and our readers can laugh at the misery of others without feeling bad about it.”

While The Onion is moving into the realm of real news stories, other news organizations are making the move to fake news. CNN, formerly an abbreviation of Cable News Network, and the New York Times have both decided to rebrand themselves to reflect President Trump’s labeling of their content. “CNN will now stand for ‘Counterfeit Naysayer’s Nexus’ said CNN CEO Jeff Zucker, “We’re liquidating our fact checking department and setting up a freeform forum where random hobos can rant and rave in exchange for sandwiches.” Meanwhile the New York Times opted to rebrand themselves as the New York Tabloid, and will begin publishing articles relating to sightings of Elvis eating tacos with JFK and Bat Child hanging over the president’s bed, whispering sweet nothings to help him sleep at night.

It should be noted that fake news is hardly a new concept. It has existed in recorded history since at least the first century, when the first Roman emperor Augustus (born Gaius Octavius) raised propaganda against the Roman politician Marcus Antonius (Mark Antony) and spread misinformation about the Egyptian ruler Cleopatra’s death that directly led to Antonius committing suicide. Within the past few hundred years, fake news has been used to influence public opinion to support the American Revolution, overthrow monarchs, and persuade opposing nations to action against each other. There is even a term that originated during the mid-1890s for news that sensationalizes events: Yellow Journalism.

(This article is a work of satire from a contributing writer. Please seek help if at any point you believed it to be true.)

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