Dear Scott,

One of my favorite co-workers recently suffered a tragedy; her child died unexpectedly a few weeks ago. To make matters worse, she only had a few days off for bereavement, and now she has to continue working as if nothing has happened.

Fortunately our co-workers have been pretty nice to her, at least as far as I can tell. Sometimes she and I share a lunch break together, and she talks fairly candidly with me about her grieving. I’m very appreciative that she feels comfortable to open up with me. I like her a lot and consider her a friend.

My question: What should I say or avoid saying? I’m really worried about communicating the wrong thing. The last time we chatted I fumbled over what I thought were comforting words. I felt like I was just making her feel worse. I don’t want to be one of those people that say clichés like, “they’re in a better place.”

Thanks,

Tongue-Tied and Troubled

Dear Tongue-Tied,

The grieving process can be so varied in both intensity and length; it’s not a surprise your coworker has been so candid with you.  Considering the massive emotional and psychological toll the death of a child brings and the fact that she barely had any time to herself to grieve, there’s a good chance you are more boon than burden.

As to what to say or avoid saying, perhaps one of the better things to establish is that you consider her your friend.

Strangely enough, we kind of have a bad habit of assuming certain information is obvious.  Sure, you talk with her frequently during your shared lunch breaks, but have you actually said the words, “I consider you my friend?”  We underestimate the impact of defining our relationships with people, particularly with those who are experiencing severe loss.  It’s fine to want to avoid clichés; our original words can oftentimes provide much more comfort.  In the end, I cannot tell you exactly what to say to her, but I can tell you what to keep in mind when talking with her.

A good friend is a shoulder to cry on, an ear that listens, a heart to bear open, a hand to hold us.  Give her your shoulder, lend her your ears, bear your heart open with her, and provide a hand to hold, when needed.

Sometimes the best support is the support that just happens to already be there.

Dear Scott,

My best friend recently terminated her pregnancy.  She is really upset and torn up over her decision, but she also keeps saying things along the lines of “I wasn’t ready to be a mom.”  We do talk often and she does come to rely on me as support during the more difficult times.  She has been coming to me often over this issue, including prior to the termination.  I am a bit lost for words and don’t know how to comfort her.  I would like to avoid making her feel worse.  Suggestions?

Thanks for reading,

Tough Choices, Tougher Feelings

Dear Tough Choices,

I can already assure you that you are more than likely already saying the right things to your friend in regards to her choice.  It seems you are a solid support system and are providing an adequate amount of support.

If you wish to do more, or to avoid saying the wrong things, you could always ask your friend what her specific needs are right now.  Depending on how open of a space you have between the two of you, you could potentially ask what kinds of support your friend needs the most from you.  It is incredibly reassuring to see friends take a proactive approach to support one another.

A good idea to keep in mind when interacting with your friend would be to emphasize that they made the correct choice.  Her decision is entirely hers.  Nobody knows the best choices for your friend other than your friend herself.  Let her know this.  Do your best to remove as much guilt and shame as possible surrounding her choice.

If it seems as if your friend’s attitude or mood is worsening, perhaps encouraging her to seek professional guidance would be best.  But that is yet another choice that only she can make for herself.