The Arapahoe Pinnacle

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A Bigly Proposal For Making American School Safety Great Again

President Trump cheerfully receives hard-copy thoughts and prayers after the Parkland shooting. Literally. This actually happened.

President Trump cheerfully receives hard-copy thoughts and prayers after the Parkland shooting. Literally. This actually happened.

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After an intense week of offering thoughts and prayers following the latest [at press time] American mass killing in Parkland, Florida, it is important for news sources to consider how best to approach the topic. Generally, journalists must find that sweet spot between “too soon” and the next shooting spree so we must be quick about this.

It is time to do the only logical thing. As our President has pointed out in the past, school shootings can be prevented if teachers are armed. On Feb. 16, America’s secretary of education Betsy DeVos reminded us that carrying loaded weapons is a tool in a good, responsible teacher’s arsenal of classroom tips and tricks.

Fortunately, we have America’s fourth branch of government, the National Rifle Association to lead by example. The organization was offering a solution to our national woes while the news was being dominated by the Parkland shooting: his-and-hers handguns.

Be mine, Valentine!

The President and Education secretary do not go far enough. Yes, President Trump and many of his cohorts have suggested that this is a mental health issue, rather than a gun issue and that we need to tackle the state of mental health care. It is clear by now our best solution currently is to arm our children’s teachers, but what of the children themselves?

America wastes tens of millions of dollars every school year on useless programs in the arts. Our children do not need to be spending their time at school learning to finger-paint, compose a poem or play an instrument. An armed teacher in the classroom is not enough deterrence. We must start teaching our children to take care of themselves.

The time has come for these kids to stop relying on others for their own protection and pull themselves up by their bootstraps.

To begin, we need to train our children in weaponry by four or five. The average kindergarten child is more than capable of learning to point and shoot from the prone position. Strength-building drills must replace the fooling around on the jungle-gym—and even younger children can learn to clean and oil a rifle.

Precocious kids show off the weapons they should be bringing to school on Monday.

Perhaps rather than investing in useless concepts like Head Start, we can give preschool-aged children an advantage with necessary survival tactics. Taxpayer dollars that should be dedicated to bulletproof children’s backpacks are instead being thrown away on pop-up books and sing-along time.

It is not being suggested that we create a curriculum wherein first graders know how to assemble an AR-15, but frankly, the recoil on such a rifle is minimal enough that they can be taught to care for and fire the piece. Instead, we waste time and resources teaching these kids how to care for classroom hamsters. Where are our priorities?

Infants tend to learn best through touch and taste. Here, a patriotic mother gets a jump on the weapons education her child needs.

As kids grow older, they can learn both defensive and offensive strategies. What good is it to have a basketball team or marching band? Throwing a ball or walking around a field with a trumpet impart nothing of value. Ours is not a nation that needs the Littleton Lions. We need drill teams. Mandatory rifle training. We need the Littleton Lugers. The Columbine Colt 45s. The Golden Glocks.

As we are all aware, the only way to fight fire is with fire. Until there is a Hi-Point CF380 ACP Compensated Pistol (comes in pink and blue) in every lunchbox where those children’s hands can be on it within seconds… until then, we must accept that these deaths are completely unavoidable.

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3 Comments

3 Responses to “A Bigly Proposal For Making American School Safety Great Again”

  1. Eric on February 23rd, 2018 8:49 pm

    This is an excellent piece of satire. I do hope it hits its mark.

    [Reply]

  2. Elliot Namay on February 23rd, 2018 8:58 pm

    Outstanding. Sadly, many will take it seriously and agree.

    [Reply]

  3. Amber M MacPherson on March 1st, 2018 4:59 pm

    An excellent piece. Satire is hard, but this is well-written, engaging, and hits all the right marks. Kudos.

    [Reply]

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