Hey Scott,

I have a boyfriend I really like, he is a nice guy.

However, he constantly tells me other girls are pretty and even referred to one as ‘crazy hot’.

I know he probably doesn’t mean anything by it, but I don’t really appreciate it. Everyone is going to find other people attractive, but don’t most keep it to themselves? Is it normal to be just a tad annoyed by it, or am I just being ridiculous? Should I say something?

Lana

Dear Lana,

You are definitely not being ridiculous.

If I’m being honest, it’s your boyfriend who’s being a bit ridiculous.  It’s one thing to acknowledge that another person is aesthetically pleasing, but to refer to other women as “crazy hot” in front of you and especially to you is pretty disrespectful.  I believe a major conversation about boundaries is needed here, should you wish to remain with this boy with the wandering eye and unfiltered mouth.

Some words that have always stuck with me when it comes to ‘not meaning anything by [whatever is said]” are: impact over intent.  It kind of doesn’t matter if he meant it innocently, what’s important is how it makes you feel.  He’s making you uncomfortable and that’s not okay.  Definitely say something, but make sure it’s an open conversation that isn’t accusatory and allows for honesty.  Let him know how his behavior makes you uncomfortable and that it needs to change.

In the end, both of you need to feel comfortable and open.  It’s not wrong to share that you have an attraction towards someone else with your partner.  In my best relationships, we were quite open about how we felt towards other people, but we also respected the explicit boundaries we set for each other.

Just keep the conversation open and honest.  Good luck!

Dear Scott,

What would you consider the first steps in meeting/ pursuing a relationship would be? Almost 3 years ago I had my first boyfriend and just 2 years ago he passed away. Although we were not dating anymore at the time, it still broke my heart and I’ve struggled for a long time. But I’m ready to make the next steps and move on to pursue a potential relationship. I want someone to tell my worries and successes to, someone to receive and give love to. But I have no idea how to even start. I’m a pretty introverted & going out just to meet new people in general seems terrifying. What do I do? Where can I go? Where do I start?

Sincerely,

A lonely girl

Dear A Lonely Girl,

You have so many options available to you and so many roads for which you can travel down.  We live in an age that is all about options.

The first steps you should take depend on the situation in which you are pursuing.  In practice, the best pick-up line is “Hello.”  Statistically, about half of both men and women were receptive to being asked out on a date.  Personally, I find it sweet and endearing when I am approached for a date, regardless of the gender.  I also know how much of a struggle this can be since meeting new people can be absolutely terrifying for an introvert, as you mentioned.  

My biggest advice would be to attempt to push yourself to approach that attractive stranger/classmate/acquaintance and ask them to a bookshop, preferably with a coffee shop in it or nearby.  

Why do I suggest this?  Well, for a few reasons.  First, it’s a wonderful date to go on.  What you do is you each wander the store with your tea/coffee and pick out a book you think the person would enjoy.  The catch is that you do this without asking them their preferred genre or anything related to what kind of book you should pick.  This activity is both fun and interesting: the book each of you chooses can say volumes (pardon the pun) about the other.  

Then you discuss why you chose the books for the other.

Aside from being just a cute date, bookstores have a certain atmosphere that breeds calm; many of my introvert friends tell me they find solace in bookstores.  As an ambivert, I also find I am quite peaceful in a bookstore.  

Now, if you cannot even muster up the courage to approach someone, may I suggest searching for someone online?  Tinder, Plenty Of Fish, etc etc.  While these sites and apps might be a bit superficial, they are amazing for the person who finds the prospect of going out to meet people more nerve-wracking than jumping out of a plane without a parachute.  

There are rules you must follow if you do attempt to begin meeting people online, and all of them are to ensure your ultimate safety.  

Never meet someone who you have not seen at least a few photos of, whether sent directly or on their profile.  Six photos is the least amount I am willing to meet with, personally.  

Always, always bring someone you know and trust with you to meet anybody for the first time off the internet.  And always, always, always meet in a public space with plenty of people.  It’s a huge red flag if the person fusses or refuses to meet those conditions.  

Obviously never give them personal information other than maybe your first name.

If that doesn’t seem to be your forte, well, it’s not uncommon for classmates to date.  The setting is familiar, you tend to see the person often, and schools are generally very tame and safe places to meet someone.  

As you’ve only had one boyfriend so far, I would also do a self-inventory of what you are looking for in a partner, if you have not already (it seems like you may have already, but I still wanted to include this).  Ask yourself how you want to be treated, what ideologies are you okay with being around, what don’t you want in a relationship.  Figure out the things that are red flags for you.  Assess your lifestyle and think about what lifestyles mesh with yours.  

Good luck out there and I hope this helped.  If I didn’t quite answer your question or you have more questions, feel free to ask!