I would like to address the problem of non-registered students gathering on school grounds. These “students” appear to congregate closest to the parking lots on the south side of school. They don’t say much, but they furtively watch my every move.

After many hours of observing them, I believe that they are organized and could possibly be taking notes on our comings and goings. I am beginning to feel a little threatened by their attention. This might be attributed to the fact that I cannot understand their language, it is a series of monosyllabic sounds and high pitched squawks.

The most infuriating thing about them is their disregard for our school property. We pay to attend Arapahoe Community College and take pride in clean sidewalks and healthy green grass. Everywhere that they go, they leave disgusting little logs of poop! Have they no pride?

Who are these feathered fiends? What is their motivation for wandering aimlessly about? Have they been hired by a private security firm to keep watch over our cars and to keep students from walking on the grass? Maybe they are Frisbee golf referees counting the number of attempts and keeping us accountable? Are they scouts for the Canadian Frisbee golf team? Do they guard the emergency phone booths for a reason? Are they awaiting a call from their leader?

I’ve spoken with a few students as to their theories on the gaggle of geese. One student was confident that the birds had broken into the gym and spitefully drained the pool because there is no outdoor pond for them to enjoy. Another student thought that they were refugees from Canada, as the Canadian dollar is at an all-time low. The conspiracy theorists felt that they were here to make secret underground missile silos, powered by goose poop. Lastly, a student guessed that the geese were on a mission to annoy the groundskeeper in retaliation for something. Maybe he enjoys eating goose?

Regardless of your beliefs, the geese appear to be here to stay. Happily strutting around the premises, cackling as they watch us hop, skip and jump around their odiferous piles of poop on our way to and from class.