Professor Proves Pipeline’s Lethality

Jamey Trotter–father, husband, teacher, actor, balleribro, son, brother, commissioner, sumbitch, and Arapahoe Pinnacle Adviser–died today while protesting the Dakota pipeline. A witness on the scene says that the professor “said a lot of bad words” in the general direction of the heavily-armed corporate army, who then opened fire on the 40-year-old who wore a tweed coat with elbow patches at the time of his death. Trotter had recently gone to the pipeline construction site in order to join the Standing Rock Sioux and many other Native American tribes in the quest to halt the environmentally disastrous project.

“He was a pretty cool professor, I guess” said one student who wished to remain anonymous due to his fear that Trotter would try to haunt him over “like, independent clauses and MLA format and shit.” The student went on, “I mean, he was an idealist, you know? Dude, and nobody really likes those. But other than that he was aight.

You get an ‘A’ when your prof dies in the middle of the semester, right?”

The Golden Dance Arts academy, where Trotter was learning the fine art of ballet, claims to be devastated. “Now I’m going to have to find some other sucker dad to play Drosselmeyer,” said Tighe Smith, the company’s Director, referring to a key but simple role in the Nutcracker, the company’s annual holiday show. “I mean, he really shouldn’t have left in the first place because we have rehearsal all frickin’ week.”

Trotter leaves behind two children and a wife. “It–I’m going to use a bad word here–sucks,” Savannah, the older daughter said. “Daddy made the most perfect over-easy egg, and Mommy is just no good at that. I’m going to have to eat an overcooked egg the rest of my life,” Savannah began to cry.

Meanwhile, the staff at the Arapahoe Pinnacle shall try to carry on with their job of producing the news. “We’re going to open this thing up,” claimed Counter-Culture Editor Scott Bright. “Trotter kept saying ‘no’ and I kept saying ‘First Amendment’, and now the world is about to find out what’s really on our minds.”

Trotter leaves behind an estate approximated at -$198,500 so a Go Fund Me page has been established by family members who hope to not have to pick up the financial slack. He also left a stipulation in his will that if anyone out there looks like him, they may use his Season Pass to Copper and Winter Park.

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