The following article is satire. All events, identities, and concepts are completely fabricated and should be treated as such. Any similarities between this work of fiction and reality are entirely unintentional.
Police were called to Arapahoe Community College yesterday to disperse a group of students wearing black cloaks and chanting unearthly hymns outside the south entrance. The group, which was seen surrounding a goat acquired from freshman Patrick Cohen’s family farm, was arguing on the best way to proceed with their eldritch ritual.
Toby Hedinbaker, the alleged leader of the self-described ‘Cult of Goats’, was arrested on alleged charges of animal abuse, acts against nature, resisting arrest, and assaulting an officer after spewing viscous black sludge on first responders. Four other students were arrested on similar alleged charges after they tried to “complete the ritual” with scalpels taken from the biology department.
Bystanders contacted emergency services after a loud argument drew attention to their makeshift altar for an unknown but profane deity. According to eyewitnesses, one of the students, a sophomore and lifelong vegan, Josephine Harkins, took exception to the sudden inclusion of the goat.
Upon questioning, she said, “I thought we were just going to energize some crystals or something. I had no idea they were planning on praying to whatever that was. I thought WE were the goats.” Her pale skin and shell-shocked eyes spoke of horrors well beyond that of the mortal plane.
She was then interrupted by another student, Freshman Alexa Cortez who loudly exclaimed “Dammit Josie, now how am I going to get through my math final!?” Her comment was followed by boos and jeers directed at Harkins from the rest of the students being loaded into cruisers.
Staff worked quickly to break down the makeshift altar, claiming the students had “doomed them all” and that “this is just like the 1995 incident.”
Police are still investigating the matter, and could not comment on the blood-curdling screeches and incomprehensible mutterings that students have reported in the campus halls the day following the incident.
The goat was unharmed and returned to its rightful owners the night of the incident. We interviewed Cohen’s father, Joe Cohen, who said, “I don’t know what Patrick did, but the goat escaped its pen three times last night and made the most horrific, unnatural sounds when the sun rose.”
More on this story as it progresses.
