Whether they’re from Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, Grindr, or Farmers Only, lately we’ve all been inundated with ads telling us that the love of our life is just one swipe away! But that’s not necessarily what everyone is looking for on these apps, is it? Sure, some of us want love, marriage, and a baby in a baby carriage but others just want some, ahem, extracurricular activity. So, how do we go about navigating dating apps when we have such different expectations as to what is supposed to come from them?

I sat down with fellow Arapahoe Pinnacle contributor, Amber Woodcock, to discuss our varied experiences with dating apps and to share our advice on traversing that world – the good, the bad, and the horny.

Amber Woodcock, 35, has been using dating apps since she was around 19 or 20 so she is well-versed in the scene. Woodcock has utilized a variety of applications for dating – Plenty of Fish, Tinder, Hinge, Bumble, Yellow (Snapchat’s dating app), The Pattern (an astrology-based dating app), and, most recently, Facebook Dating. She notes that the beginning of online dating was a nightmare – but some apps have emerged as better than others over time.

Woodcock says The Pattern and Bumble were not very successful for her ventures. Tinder and Hinge garnered more connections, with Tinder being better for the casual dating so prominent in today’s society. However, Tinder is ripe with opportunities to be catfished. The ease of accessing photo filters and photo-altering software with this app has made it harder to know who you’re really talking to. Plus, filtering yourself signals “limited confidence”, says Woodcock, “so just be yourself”.

Woodcock eventually ventured into the world of STIR, a single-parent focused dating app. It was here that she met her partner of eight months. Through many trials and tribulations, Woodcock found someone who “checked all of my boxes”. Woodcock enjoyed the ease of being able to schedule with her partner on STIR as the app allows you to mark your availability for dating. For a single parent, this is essential as it allows you to note if you can’t meet on certain nights because you’re working, or taking a kid to soccer practice, and so on.

Woodcock and her partner live together and raise a blended family with two children. They also plan to get married. Woodcock notes that some of her favorite things about this relationship are that they share similar humor, communicate clearly, and treat problems as them vs. the problem – not versus each other. Their family prioritizes time for each other and values therapy, which Woodcock attributes their relationship‘s longevity to.

So, from a seasoned professional, what are the dos and don’ts of online dating?

• • DO: Go to therapy. Learn to take care of yourself before taking care of someone else.
  • DO: Be upfront and honest. Include as many important details about yourself as possible before you start dating someone.
  • DO: Make sure your core values align! Beliefs, morals, etc. should all be things you know about each other well before you decide to get hitched.
  • DO: Be safe. Only communicate via the application you met on at first, meet in a public place, and share your location with someone you trust before going on a date.
  • DO: Be emotionally available. Whether looking for long-term relationships or casual dating, emotional availability in yourself and your partner is essential.
  • DON’T: Have too many stringent expectations right off the bat. Dating is supposed to be fun!
  • DON’T: Fill your profile with pictures of your friends, family, kids, etc. Not only is it potentially dangerous but, unless your best friend is dating with you, they don’t need to be the center of your profile pics.
  • DON’T: Be afraid to say no. You don’t owe anyone a date – and vice versa.
  • DON’T: Force alignment. Dating should feel like a tennis game where you volley back and forth easily. Don’t force chemistry when it’s just not there.

Now, let’s chat about using dating apps for evil – I mean, extracurricular activities. As a gay man emerging into adulthood in the 2020s, I’m sure it’s no shock that I have grinded my way around a Grindr date or two. Sniffed my way around a Sniffies rendezvous. Arched my way around – ok, that’s too much. Point is, I’m familiar with really short-term dating.

My first date with another man was with someone I met online. At the time, I was a very obviously queer teenager and I was extremely lonely. Unfortunately, this is a very common circumstance for young LGBTQ+ daters. Doubly unfortunate, this makes an already vulnerable population open to further vulnerability and, potentially, victimization. I have certainly been on the receiving end of both of those. So, I want to share a few quick tips on keeping yourself safe while exploring your sexuality – as you should.

I’ll disclose in advance – I’m not a doctor or therapist or claim to be an expert in relationships. However, I have done peer-led sex education for many years and I’ve been a full-time homosexual for over two decades. I am hopeful my experience can make yours better.

1. You need to learn to listen to your gut. This is a skill you will develop over time. The moment – and I mean the millisecond – you start feeling uncomfortable, it is time to leave. Your body knows before your brain. Leave the worry about hurting your date’s feelings or making things awkward. You’ll prefer to be safe and potentially embarrassed than permanently traumatized.
2. Don’t start with dating apps. I’d really recommend avoiding having your first date be from a dating app, especially one that’s almost exclusively for sex. Even if that’s what you know you want – and trust me, no judgment – it’s riskier than it needs to be.
3. Make sure someone you trust knows your location. Very much like Amber shared earlier on, you need to make sure someone is aware of where you are. Personally, I’ve used Snapchat to share my location with a friend who knew to call me if I didn’t let them know I was home at a certain time.
4. Avoid drugs and alcohol on dates. Whether it’s kicking back with a beer and smoking a joint, using intravenous drugs, or sniffing poppers, these all interfere with your ability to assess a situation and can be used by others to harm you.
5. Date yourself first. I mean this in every sense of the word. Learn the way you want to be dated. Take yourself out to coffee, to the movies, to wherever makes you happy. Think about what someone would need to be able to add to this experience to make it worthwhile to bring them into your life. Take yourself to bed. Become familiar with your body – what makes it happy, sad, confused, tense, horny. It is much easier to figure out on your own that you don’t like when you’re touched softly, or that you really like when you use certain toys, or that you’re completely neutral to being bound and gagged than it is to try to dive into all of these things completely unguided with someone you’ve never met before.

If you have dating violence, sexual assault, or other concerns, please utilize the resources below:

• RAINN.org 

• Colorado Coalition Against Sexual Assault

• Dean of Students Office at Arapahoe Community College

• • The Dean of Students Office can help you navigate resources. All ACC students have counseling services available to them through the Dean of Students Office.