March 16, 2018

According to a high ranking administrative staff member entitled to reserved spaces, there is plenty of available parking around campus at Arapahoe Community College.

“I’ve never had the slightest trouble,” opines a Dean as she complacently climbs from her vehicle, unhurried and relaxed.

“We’re a small school, after all,” offers one of the individuals responsible for the brilliant concept of charging members of the Littleton community a mere $10 for school lot parking passes that cost students $40. “There’s plenty of space for everyone.”

While ticketing a Toyota Corolla that had been in 2 hour parking for 2 hours and 37 seconds, a Littleton police officer confides “You guys are a great little revenue stream,” while peering at a minivan hurriedly trying to parallel park in front of the school after a fruitless search of lots A, B, C and D. “She’s going to be late for class,” he chuckles, checking his watch.

While adjunct professors and students circle each of the parking lots like hungry sharks, muttering obscenities behind closed windows, Littleton locals who are clearly unaware of the sheer number of gyms and recreational facilities mere minutes away hang out in the Fitness Center watching Fox News.

“It’s a nice place to socialize,” smiles retired contractor Rex McKinney, sipping complimentary coffee.

At press time, three students have reportedly simultaneously noticed someone getting into their car in Lot A, and are weighing their odds of getting to it first.

“I try to get here about half an hour before class starts and just wait in one of the rows. Someone has to leave sometime, right?” a student asks rhetorically, chewing her nails and visually tracking another student leaving the school, like a lioness observing a gazelle.

According to an administrator who has clearly never read nor watched The Caine Mutiny, it’s a minor complaint. “Let them ride bikes.”